Youth suicide is frightening to talk about, which is one reason we need to talk about it carefully. Not loudly, not with easy answers, but in ways that make it more possible for young people to tell the truth when they are struggling.
One of the hardest things about adolescent distress is that it can sit alongside ordinary life. A young person may be talented, funny, doing well at school, loved by family, and still be in pain. Those things are not contradictions. They are part of what makes it so difficult for adults to know what is going on.
On The Nutters Club this week, Christchurch grandfather Jimmy Gifford spoke with Hamish and I about losing his grandson Justin to suicide, and about the conversation Justin had with him two years earlier. Justin had been bullied, was under pressure, and had been self-harming. He was 15 when he asked his grandfather to stop the car and told him he was struggling.
Youth suicide and the first conversation
When a young person discloses self-harm, suicidal thoughts, bullying or intense distress, adults can feel overwhelmed. Panic is understandable. So is the wish to minimise it, especially if what is being said is frightening.
But the first task is usually much simpler, and much harder: take it seriously.
That does not mean assuming the worst, or trying to solve everything in one conversation. It means slowing down enough to show that the young person has been heard. It means being direct and honest, rather than evasive. And it means not leaving the young person alone with the burden of what they have said.
In Justin’s case, Jimmy noticed something was not right before Justin spoke. When Justin did talk, Jimmy sought medical help and involved Justin’s mother, with Justin’s agreement. Those details matter. They show respect for Justin’s trust, while also recognising that adults have a responsibility to act when safety is at stake.
Trusted adults matter
Not every young person can talk to a parent first. That can be painful for parents to hear, but it is also true. Sometimes the safest first conversation is with a grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, coach, neighbour or family friend.
Rather than seeing that as a failure, we might see it as part of the wider web young people need around them. Adolescents often need more than one safe adult. They may need someone slightly outside the immediate pressure of home, someone who can listen without reacting too quickly.
Jimmy’s message was that young people who cannot speak to their parents should find another trusted adult. That is a useful and humane idea. It also asks something of adults: to be available enough, calm enough, and curious enough that a young person might risk telling us the truth.
Grief, action and meaning
There is no simple redemption in grief after suicide. Fundraising, advocacy and community work do not remove the loss. They do not answer all the questions, and they do not make tragedy acceptable.
But for some people, action becomes one way of living with grief. Jimmy has raised funds for the youth mental-health support I Am Hope and their “Gumboot Friday” initiative. He has also used community events to encourage more open conversations about distress and suicide. That kind of work can hold two truths at once: that someone is gone, and that caring for others still matters.
Psychologically, this is not about “moving on”. A better phrase might be continuing a relationship with the person who has died, while also turning towards the living. Hope, in this sense, is not cheerfulness. It is the decision to keep making connection possible.
Small openings to talk
Adults often underestimate the value of ordinary attention. Asking a teenager about their day, pausing long enough for the real answer, noticing when behaviour changes, offering a greeting or a smile: none of these things is a magic protection.
But they can create openings. And openings matter.
The difficult balance is to neither interrogate nor ignore. Teenagers need privacy and autonomy. They also need adults who are willing to notice them. Sometimes the most useful question is not clever at all: “You don’t seem yourself. What’s going on?” Then we have to be prepared to listen.
Listen to the episode
Jimmy Gifford’s conversation on The Nutters Club is a moving account of grief, love and the need for honest talk about young people’s mental health. Listen to the full episode for the wider discussion about Justin’s life, Jimmy’s response, and his ongoing work to support others.
